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hidden words of love




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dear dad

I know that we probably won't be talking for awhile, at lease if our history repeats itself. I hope that's not the case, but I wanted to write this to you before anymore time passes. Despite our numerous differences in opinion on everything, we can have a great visit until (for me anyways) you bring up heated issues that deal with race. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it ALWAYS has and ALWAYS will.

From the time I was a little girl, you would spout your heated words of hate for people of other colors and races...never giving me a reason for it. To think of it...you didn't need to give me a reason...it was your house and your word. After I was grown and moved out on my own, you explained that all those years of saying mean, ugly and hateful things toward people YOU didn't know was to keep me from being with a black man. Your my father and you did it how you thought it should be done. I never did or will every agree with generalizing an entire group of people. But its all in the past now.

However, its different now. I am the mother and I HAVE the child. Steven and I agree together that words of hate for anyone just because of their nationality, race or color is wrong, and we don't want Caleb involved in it in anyway. We know that he will experience hate on every level during his lifetime, but we can protect him from it right now. I would hope that you would respect that. Especially with you new found love of GOD and his word. I didn't say anything during our visit, because I love you and I wanted it to be a nice visit. But I'm headstrong and like you I speak my mind no matter who agrees with it. The only difference is, when I tell it to you and you don't agree I feel small and hurt. But I get over it, because whether I'm right or wrong...I'm doing what I know is right for me and MY family. Except it or not that's YOUR daughter.

When you left today, I know that you were either pissed, disappointed, or angry...whatever you were feeling...trying to leave without saying goodbye to your grandson....that's just plain mean and hurtful!!! You would be punishing him because you and I don't see eye to eye. Like YOU SAID...you're not going to be around for much longer. I grew up without grandparents...I know what its like not to have that. Punish me...don't talk to me...it will hurt but I'll survive. I know that we will NEVER agree on anything and we will always butt heads at every turn. Caleb is the only link between us that doesn't cause friction and he deserves to have a grandfather and the good memories that go with it.

Love even through the fights - Catherine

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I hope you really send this to him...he needs to know that it isn't exceptable in your family and home. Why was he disappointed or pissed off?

I emailed it to him about 15 minutes after he left the house. He'll get it when he gets back up to Montana.

To be honest, I don't know if he was disappointed in me or not, but thats the way he comes across when he talks to me. And as for being pissed...we he's that way for so many reasons...mainly, because I have my own opinion and its not the same as his. He doesn't like that very much.

It really sucks too, because the whole visit was nice up until the end. I just couldn't take it anymore. I probably should have just bite my tounge once more, but thats just not me.

My dad was like that-- but then, one day I was thinking about things and realized we are like 1/4 american indian or something...
and I asked him "Dad, do you realize we are indian? You are being racist against yourself then..." and all he could say was "well..."

The topic NEVER came up again, haha.

Beautifully written letter, btw.

I'm pretty sure that I'll never be able to change my dad's mind or even get him to just respect my opinion. He's just that way.

And thank you for calling the letter beautifully written...truthfully, I thought that it would be completely jumbled and confusing. I was cryin the entire time I was typing it up.

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