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hidden words of love




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Damn its almost midnight!
hidden words of love



Wow...I start the day so early (dreaming of going to bed) and now its almost midnight and I can't even begin to go to bed.  GRRR!  The last few days have been kind of hard on me. 

Steven's shots didn't work.  So not only does that mean that we are probably looking at back surgery, but that he went through all that pain for nothing!  I mean come on!  I would like just one thing to go our way.   JUST ONE THING!  Is that too much to ask for?  Sometimes I think that it it...Steven is in so much pain and I can't do an frickin thing about it.  I mean we could have sex (to release some stress) but he can't even do that right now because of the pain.  I feel so helpless right now.

On top of everything that has been going on with the accident...I've been dealing with my own demons.  Lately I've been in a "GOD I'M SO FAT AND UGLY" kick and I can't seem to get out of it.  I mean, there is always this little part of me that feels that way, but lately its been a constant thought.  There are times that I am on the verge of bursting into tears....I try to call someone (my mom, dad, sister, my friends...hell I'd even settle for a customer service rep from an unknow business) just to talk about something else.  It usually works, but lately no one is home or their cell is dead.  So I just continue to feel $hitty...I could talk to Steven, but he doesn't get it.  I've tried to talk to him before, but he just tries to cheer me up when he has no idea what this all feels like. (As I'm reading this...I realize that I use the word lately way too much, but will probably continue to over use it) (Oh and that I'm kind of whiny when I'm depressed...but it doesn't matter because no one really reads what I type on here)

On a good note....the car that was totaled in the crash will be paid off my the 5th of Sept...hopefully.  Well I should probably get to bed....6 am isn't so far off.  Here's hoping to a good nights sleep.


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"...but it doesn't matter because no one really reads what I type on here"

Not true!

I'm sure things will get better for you guys soon. Smile, cuz someone in Iraq cares! :-P

so I"m not so good on the reply back stuff, but thanks Chris. I'm just down in the dumps right now. I'll talk to you later today probably.

I completely get u... I get on the Im so Fat kicks... I get so bad that i sit on the couch and think I know i should be doing something else... I got a exercise bike (Military trash is great someone is always tossing out good things) and i sit on it while watching TV. I dont know if its doing me any good cause Im not pedaling. Having a kid really took the shape out of me, and I am stepping on the stupid scale saying oh another pound... I cant talk to my husband about it cause he too doesn't get it.. And I don't try and talk about it to my mom cause she is so frickin SKINNY< ARG! Well.. hehe Im ranting now in someone elses journal.. (Ill stop now)

LOL Feel free to rant away. I bought an exercise bike awhile back, but ended up taking it back cuz it didn't work so well. At least I tried right?!?

My husband read my entry and took me to the base exchange...he said that I was beautiful to him but that he understood that sometimes I can feel really down about my looks. He gave me his credit card and pointed me in the make up direction (this might not seem like a big deal, but for me it was major. He doesn't like me in make up...he prefers the all natural look. But he said that he wanted to make me feel a little bit better.) GOD I LOVE THAT MAN! So now I still feel fat but I'm looking better.

Well I'm off to bed. Talk to you later

Aww yes shopping I love it when Im down! LOL I got my roller blades out of my storage shed and strapped my son in his stroller... LOL MAN I AM OUT OF SHAPE! heheh it was a hard workout! I havent been in the blades in over 3 years... LOL I gained alot of weight since I have been away from family its just so difficult to be a military wife, you have to pretty much do everything for their career and its frustrating! DOnt get me wrong my husband is pretty good at realizing when I have had enuff of the whole military thing! LOL I get to visit my parents when I get too depressed...

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