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hidden words of love




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feeling bluntly honest today
hidden words of love
It has been a minute since I posted on here mostly because life has been in the way, but I also haven't been on here since it seems no one is reading it - and that writing/reading relationship is what interested me in the first place.  UGH I guess today tho I am greatful that this is an almost empty place to type out whats in my head.

My dad died and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  Don't get me wrong...i miss him, but I haven't cried at all.  My mom and I knew that it was coming, but knowing about it and having it actually happen are two entirely seperate ideas.  The lack of crying has me feeling guilty and questioning if I loved him.  The answer is YES YOU LOVED YOUR DAD!!  but then I go back to feeling guilty for not crying of my dad's death.  For the last 2 years I watched as he disappeared into a man that was not my dad and at times I have felt that I was in the greiving process while he was still alive...perhaps I did all the crying, anger, and bargining already and have moved onto acceptance, but to have accepted it so quickly feels like a disservice to the man who gave me life and raised me. 

Its frustrating to feel guilt and the stress over said guilt but not feel sad over him being gone.

On top of all of that, I am lonely.  So fricken lonely that it hurts and I feel lost as to how to make it stop. I miss my friends (Chris, Gina, Amy to name a few). We have been up in Kalispell for 9 months now and I haven't really made any friends.  I have met a few moms in the neighborhood but nothing has really come of it.  Steven on the other hand is becoming a real social butterfly, but I guess thats what happens when you have a job that gets you out in the world.  He has friends that invite him (and me i guess) to parties and to the bars, but I can't go to the bars when I have Caleb at home.  Taking him to the sitters or to a daycare takes things that I don't have like trusted friends and money.  I have tried over and over to talk to steven about all of this but he doesn't get it. Why would he?  He has a life outside of this house that allows him to enjoy coming home to relax. 

I, on the other hand, am a stay at home mom who doesn't get to "leave" work and come home to relax.  My home is my office and I am starting to resent it all.  The resentment is festering into restlessness that like everything else has me feeling helpless. 

DAMN IT!  Can a mom run away?  I love my family but I want to run away for some adventure and exploring...