hidden words of love

sinsitykitty


JUSTA GIRL WITH A CAMERA

WHO AM I? NOT SURE YET BUT IT HAS BEEN FUN FINDING OUT


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the three C's: Christmas, Cancer, Crying
this_sucks
sinsitykitty
It has been a rough year. People always say that the holidays are the hardest, but I never thought it would be this hard.  Dad loved Christmas. He was THAT guy where Christmas was all about the giving. He didn't want gifts but the huge smile that came from giving a gift someone really wanted.  More times then not I was the focus of his giving. He made my Christmas' growing up magical and filled with memories. 

I have been dreading this Christmas. Its the first since he died...and I just fear that when I wake up on Christmas morning that magic...that special feeling will dissolve into emptiness and sadness.  I have spent the last few months trying to get into a good head space.  Even with all this Christmas stuff I was treading water...barely but I was treading. I had even started being greatful for...frankly everything that broke through the darkness that I was in.

Fate seems to not appreciate my being gratetful.  She would rather I be lost in the dark, scared and broken hearted. 

My mother called last night to chat.  It started out normal with the "Hi" and "How's it going?" but then she started talking about her doctor's appointments of late.  Friday we find out if its lung cancer. 

I spent two years before dad died mourning.  I thought that it was better that way.  The doctor said that it was terminal, but he fought it will the end.  I knew the end was near so I got to make amends, revisit old memories, and just enjoy what time was left. But the after part still hurt and I am emotionally and physically drained.  My mom is...well she's my mom. She owns a special part in my heart that I can't possibly describe.  I'm not sure if I have the energy/strength to do this over again.  I will but I have no idea where I'm going to find what I need to survive it. 

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