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hidden words of love




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Cancer, dying/dead dad, mom with mass in her lung...I can't handle this shit any more
hidden words of love
My dad chose to smoke for almost 50 years. The atmosphere and attitude towards smoking was different...hell it was even trumped up to seem like a great idea. When I was in my early teens he decided to quit, but it was too late & it limited what he was able to do as a father. Most of you all know that he died almost two years ago. As a still grieving daughter, I play the “what if” game all the time, but I know for a fact that the smoking destroyed his lungs. His extremely limited capacity to breathe was just compounded by the damage that his choices made.

Watching someone you care for die hurts. When that someone is a part of your life…a part of you…it places a weight on your soul that can’t be moved. You can only accept that type of grief as a part of who you are moving forward. When that person dies and the choices that they have made contributes to it…well it leaves unanswered questions and confusion.

I spent two years watching my dad die. The words ‘terminal cancer’ gets your attention & seeps into your core taking root. I said my goodbyes countless times and it still hurts EVERY DAMN DAY. After he passed I thought that I would have 20 or 30 years before I would have to worry about my mom like this.

Tomorrow I get to watch my mom go into surgery to remove a mass from her lung. The doctors are optimistic, she’s optimistic, but me? I’m terrified. At best the mass is benign and everything goes perfectly, but things don’t go perfect and that’s all I can focus on right now.

Complications happen every day in every hospital. Going under general anesthesia is dangerous. If the mass is cancerous…they are removing the top lobe of her right lung.

I surely hope that God believes in my strength to handle all of this because right now…well right now I don’t have an ounce of strength to handle a pot of boiling water let alone the idea of loosing her.