Dear lord it has been a long time since I have been on LJ. I'm not really sure I am anywhere close to the same person that I was when I started this account. So much has happened to me, to my family...I'm not really sure where to start.
We have moved several times in the past ten years. Mostly to different places in Montana and have finally found a place that I want to call home. I found a community and a sense of my self that I didn't know I was missing. It didn't come over night but slowly over the first year of being here I started to appear.
I used to think that I was supposed to be the follower...follow my husband's career...follow the flow of whatever was happening without wondering about wanting change. In all honesty I probably would still be that way if life had not forced us to change, to adapt, to make the best of a shitty situation.
By the time we got here Steven had been promoted several times and was given his own store to run as a general manager. Life was good. He was working, I was being the dutiful stay at home mom & caregiver, and Caleb was growing up into a smart, handsome and caring man. I say life was good and it was but like most things...when you look closer it has its faults and rotten spots.
Steven was working but he was suffering. Like a series of epic dominos that started to fall the day he started at the store....life being good would not last long. I have let go of a lot of the anger that I had towards his employees and towards the company itself. In the end, all that mattered was that Steven couldn't do it any longer. The stress he was under on a daily basis from work and from the injuries he sustained in the car wreck of 2005 were starting to destroy him. Near constant migraines, a month long battle with shingles, increased back pain and jaw pain, a va health system that repeatedly failed him...it all lead to him being forced to quit.
I can remember the day that it happened so clearly. It was like watching a dramatic scene in a movie. Steven was upset and asking me what he should do. I, not knowing what the right thing to say, said that if he wanted to quit we would be ok.
His quitting meant that we would be in immediate danger of losing the house...having to give up the dogs. The loss of income was catastrophic. I knew all this when I told him to do what he needed to do. What else could I say? In moments of crisis I choose to believe that things will work out...it might be a dark path but I have to believe that light will appear at some point. Thankfully, faith in it being ok was proven right
I walked out of the very first interview I went to with a job offer and an appointment to get a commercial driver's license. Three days later I had passed my test. On the way home I stopped by another local transportation company to just see if they were hiring. I got an immediate interview. They were offering more money, more hours, and the promise of overtime if I was willing to work.
By accepting that second job offer, I changed my life. It was a difficult transition and has seen me shed many a tear. Stepping out of my role as a stay at home mom was one of the most difficult things that I have ever done (and I'm not entirely sure that I have accepted it if I am being completely honest). The winter saw me working 70 hours a week, getting up at 0230 and having to be in bed by 1700 just to do it all over again. I broke done several times thinking that by working so much I was failing in other areas.
Caleb had a rough time adjusting to me not being around. Steven was there but wasn't REALLY there. Caleb's school work suffered and he almost had to repeat. Thankfully it was noticed in time and he was able to save himself at the last moment. The stress and worry over my son's education & my failings as him mom had me questioning if I should stay at my job or maybe we should sell the house and move to an area with a cheaper cost of living.
Thankfully we didn't move. We stuck it out and I thank God every day that we didn't make a different choice.
Caleb matured so much over the summer. He is taking responsibility for his education, being honest when he is struggling, and asking for help before it becomes a problem. My kid has become this young man that I am in awe of each and every day. To know that I created this light in the world brings me an unending sense of comfort and joy.